an unexpected change.

what defines failure?

sometimes people base success and failure off of their own standards and sometimes it’s based on what others think. very recently i’ve been in a place where i’m questioning a lot. if you read my last post, you know that living in new york city has always been such a huge dream of mine. it’s one that i’ve accomplished even though i’ve only been here eight months, and so much has already happened in my life and in my heart since my last post.

lately i’ve been doing some “soul searching” if you will, and to make a long rambling post a little shorter, i’m to the point where i feel like i’m choosing between two huge dreams of mine. the first is getting married and having babies. i desperately want a family of my own. i’m in love with george and someday we want to get married, travel, start a family, and enjoy our life together. right now, it’s just a matter of time…. and a little bit of money. the second is to have an amazing career in the fashion/pr/marketing industry, preferably with kate spade or another corporate retailer of my liking, and as we know, the corporate offices reside in new york city.

i can be completely honest when i say that i’m like an inch away from my dream job, or at least the beginning of it. i’m doing really well at work and i’ve heard some good things about my name floating around the corporate office. how can this interfere with dream number one? well, if you didn’t know, it’s like impossible to have a comfortable lifestyle in new york city unless you’re rich. no, really. i’m serious. even if you make $100k, your one or two bedroom apartment in the city is going to be smaller than anything you can get in las vegas or los angeles for the same price. not to mention that if you go to the food emporium on the corner of 49th and 8th ave, you’re going to pay $7 for chicken breast. one basket of groceries turns into $50, and will barely fill two shelves of your fridge. and i don’t think i need to remind you all that adding kids to the equation only makes it more complicated, not just the cost that comes with supporting kids, but things as simple as carrying a stroller up and down the subway stairs. doesn’t sound fun to me.

i know it might seem silly or stupid and i may be coming off a little selfish, but if i know i can make a better quality of life just by changing my location, then i think that’s the smartest choice. it’s the smartest choice financially, it makes the most sense for a long term investment in my future and the lifestyle i want, and i’ll be closer to my family and friends.

i’m coming to terms that i might have to let one of my dreams go, and when i think of that there’s no comparison to george or family. i love him more than my career, more than any job i have, more than kate spade.

this is where my values come in. it was a friday night when i asked george when he realistically sees us getting married and settling in, and the answer was at least three years as long as we live in new york. i wasn’t really okay with that answer so after a little arguing, praying, budgeting, and hypothetically thinking, we started to play out our different options. the next day i woke up feeling so uneasy in my heart and decided to call out of work. i was unable to function because i was so emotional. it was literally overnight that i realized what was most important to me and what i wanted in my life. that morning i cried in bed while listening to the jackhammers and sirens on 8th ave, and george suggested that i ask my mom for advice. i called my mom and dad and talked with them on the phone for about two hours.

at the end of our conversation, my parents were so supportive and gave me great advice for this emotional and spiritual place i’ve been living in for the last month. after weeks of tears and praying and worrying, george and i made a mutual decision to move back to las vegas.

this process has been the most scary and stressful one that i’ve ever dealt with. i’m in a position where i feel like i have to choose between two totally different life paths. we are both confident that we are making the right decision. not to mention, this process has brought us closer together and has brought another level of maturity to our relationship.

so there you have it. i finished school, moved to new york, and learned that no job, no city, no amount of money will ever matter more than living in god’s will, being with family, and making your values your first priority in life. i knew this was the right choice because just the thought of going back home gave me so much peace in my heart. don’t get me wrong, i’m absolutely in love with new york and it will always be a little piece of home to me, but i’ve come to terms that i’d rather have a savings account, more living space, a family, and a comfortable lifestyle more than saying i live in new york city.

when i moved here i never thought that i’d leave so soon. i was certain i’d be in new york for at least five years, but sometimes god allows certain things to happen in life so you can learn what’s really important. new york was my lesson in realizing what my values are and what i really want in life.

new york is a great place to visit during the spring and the fall, and it will always have things that no other city will ever have, but trust me when i say it can be a miserable place to live if you’re used to a different lifestyle. i’m not going to miss not having air vents in my apartment, or not having laundry, or having a slanted floor that creaks, or hearing sirens at 4am, or walking in 19 degrees to work, or paying $9 for my face wash when it’s only $4 in vegas, or riding the subway with homeless people. things i will miss: central park, the beautiful architecture of the old buildings, my co-workers, the best gel manicure at fresh spa on 15th, city bakery, the free sense of street fashion that really can’t be duplicated anywhere else, and all of the opportunity that comes with being in the city.

so with all of this said, was moving to new york a failure? at first, i felt like it was. it cost thousands of dollars to get here and to continue to live here, but the lessons that came with it and the perspective i’ve gained was worth every penny. i’m glad i learned this lesson now at 25 years old, rather than later in life when i’m 40 and never truly knowing what’s important in life.

i am confident i made the right decision by fulfilling my dream to move to new york, one of the hardest cities to live in, and i’m even more confident that i’m making the right decision by moving back home. the pictures below are proof i made the right decision by coming to new york. it was an experience of a lifetime, and i’m proud to say it was a great success.

more details on our move back to vegas coming soon…